Thursday, May 5, 2016

May/June 2016

1. I've only been married 6 months and my wife is already accusing me of cheating. She's been cheated on in her last 2 relationships so she has serious trust issues. I've never cheated & I have no intention to. How can I convince her? - Ramsey 

Petrie: Hello Ramsey, sorry to hear about your dilemma,but it seems as if your wife has put you in the category of those other boys not men. You seem to have a level head & nothing you do will convince her that your not cheating, that's her baggage that she has to deal with. She was broken when you married her, have you considered marriage counseling? As a couple & separately I would suggest. She needs to fix herself, you can't fix her, & you tell her if she continues to keep accusing of these that you haven't done, she's speaking it into existence without her even realizing she is doing it. She needs to realize that you're not those other guys & she chose you. Marriage is hard work in itself without all the extra nonsense of being accused of something you did not do. I wish you nothing but the best in your marriage. 

Rikki: Ramsey, Trust issues are always a huge challenge in relationships. The ideal situation would be for you to enter a marriage having had addressed and recovered from all trust concerns and issues, but this isn't always the case. You cannot unscramble eggs. I say this to say, once trust is lost it is almost always never fully restored. The same as when you crumble a piece of paper, it can never be 100% restored to its original form. I know that you aren't the one who hurt her, but it goes without saying that she's scarred from her past. I've been there--it's not an easy trail to overcome. I would suggest counseling and just continue doing your best to keep things open with her so that she has no additional reasons to be insecure. I wish she had addressed these things prior to marriage so that you could have had a fair chance but she didn't. This is kinda what it is now. Good luck!

2. Last year I started dating my best friend. We've known each other for 15 years & he knows everything about me. Since we've started seeing each other romantically it seems we're not as open as we used to be. We used to tell each other everything. Is this a bad sign? - Anna Z.

Petrie: Dear Anna Z, that's a very slippery slope you went down,now that your intimate with your best friend comes with a different set of emotions. Y'all did tell each other everything which can be a good thing & bad because whatever you told him as a friend he remembers now that you're in a relationship good bad or indifferent. I suggest that you sit & talk with him as your friend not your lover so whatever you guys say as friends you all can't use it against each other. But that also comes with maturity so if your willing to do that he should be too. Best wishes...

Rikki: Anna, I'm not sure that I'd call it a bad sign. What I would say is that this form of love within you two is fairly new. So it will take some getting used to. Funny thing is, my husband and I were best friends for 10yrs before we began dating also. The comforting thing about it is that we already knew each others secrets etc, so there was "no getting to know each other" since we already did. We didn't struggle with being scared to be open once we transitioned into a couple, it was actually easy. But we kept a mind frame that we were still best friends at the end of the day. Try bringing the fun back, like friends, every now and again. It may take the pressure off of the rigid lines of a relationship. Hope this helps. 

3. I feel my husband doesn't appreciate me. He feels because he makes more money than me, I should do what he says when he says it. I appreciate all he does for our family but I won't tolerate being treated this way. My best friend says I'm wrong & I should treat him like he's the king of his castle. Do you agree? - Anonymous

Petrie:Dear Anonymous, no I do not agree, but that's me. I would suggest you talk to him & let him know how you feel. If he wants to be treated as a king he should also be willing & Able to treat like a Queen. It doesn't matter whether he makes more money than you, I would hope you bring more to the table than just finances & that goes for him too. It's called marriage, your suppose to be in it together, it shouldn't be one sided. Let him know you appreciate him & all he does,but he should also appreciate you for all u do it should be a 50/50 thing,not 60/40, not 70/30, etc. If your religious whip out the bible on him & let him know that in the scriptures it says love & honor your wife. Or if your not religious step your game up, go back to school, get a better job or two & start making more than him & see if his attitude changes when you start making more than him lol. Tell your friend to mind her business, do not let people dictate what you should do in your marriage & you did not ask her for unsolicited advice. This is just my opinion. I'm not telling you what to do, I'm telling you what I would do if I were in your situation & you asked for my advice. I hope that it works out for you.

Rikki: Anonymous, This is 2016. I'm not really into the whole bow down to your man and submit kinda thing. However, I do respect my husband as the head of the household in some cases. A lot of modern relationships and marriages actually run the household as a team, and to me that's what works best. Maintain the respect. But a bigger paycheck doesn't mean you as the woman are a subordinate. Is your husband coming from a place of control when he wants you to do what he says? Or is he suggestive? These things are very different and could mean different things. My husband and I run our home together, however there are times when his suggestions override mine just out of respect. He makes more money than me but would never act like it or express it as a way to place me lower than him. But he's also not one of those men that require submission; he prefers for me to think and act independently without needing to rely on him for too much. He IS the king of my castle. However, I am the Queen. 

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