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Thursday, June 7, 2018

Summer 2018

1. About a month ago I told my sister that her boyfriend (of 2 months) came on to me. He would rub my shoulders, hug on me while saying how beautiful I am. He also said maybe he chose the wrong sister. After telling her this she hasn’t spoken to me since. Should I have told her? How can I repair our relationship? - Ms.T.O

Rikki - Hey Ms.T.O, Funny that you wrote this. I recall telling one of my best friends in high school something very similar about her boyfriend, as a friend trying to look out for her. When she confronted him, he convinced her that I was lying just to break them up. I haven't spoken to her since, and it's been over 15 years sadly. I don't think that you were wrong to tell your sister, that's what you are supposed to do. However, how she handled it, in my opinion, was wrong but very familiar to me. Unlike the relationship with my friend, you and your sister WILL come back to speaking terms, but it has to be when she's ready. Once she's able to remove the veil from over her eyes she will see where the loyalty lies.

Natima - First off Queen, kudos to YOU for rejecting his advances! That was a wonderful display of self-love and love for your sister. We live in a time where many would have succumb to his advances and would have been flattered by his "compliments." However, you did the right thing by alerting her of his inappropriate behavior. If he's trifling enough to hit on his lady's sister, no telling who else he's probably ran these same lines on and probably successful in his pursuit. Let's be clear, your sister's silent treatment has nothing to do with you but everything to do with her. It's easier for her to blame you than it is to accept what's been exposed about her man. As women we often internalize situations and attach them to our own insecurities. She didn't hear "ya man tried to come on to me." She heard "why are you with such a trifling dude who clearly doesn't respect you?" Give her some time, she will see it for herself, until then it's easier for her to be angry with you. Misdirected anger is normal in this situation, so don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong! Should she allow you, continue to be there for her, and don't feel bad for exposing her trifling boyfriend, hopefully now ex-boyfriend.

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2. I cheated on my fiancĂ© 3 times when we were just dating 2 years ago. Before we get married I want to be honest about everything. This way we can start our life together fresh & with no secrets. My bother says I’m crazy & I shouldn’t tell her anything. What do you think? - TED806

Rikki - TED806, Honesty is very important. And I honestly commend you for wanting to be honest before taking vows. A lot of men would hold onto it til the grave. It's noble of you to want to do right. Personally, I think she may respect your decision to put everything on the table, and if she has any secrets she may even feel compelled to be honest as well. BUT. She probably won't be as calm as you'd like her to be, so prepare yourself for her reaction and just eat it. Likewise, if she too admits some things, you gotta just eat it. Good luck to you guys!

Natima - Here's the thing, cheating is cheating whether done while in a relationship, courtship or marriage... cheating has it's consequences. It's better to tell her yourself than to have her learn about your indiscretions from a third party. It's never easy to hear no matter the source; however, hearing it directly from you may be a bit easier to process. I'm confident she will have questions like "why?" "is it me?" etc. and if you really want things to work and you want to move forward with the marriage you have to be willing to answer every question, deal with every negative or mean thing she says in retaliation. You have to give her the time and space if she requests it. Holding on to such a huge secret and dragging it into your marriage can be devastating. Get it over with now, deal with it now before you taint your marriage and lose her for good.

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3. My husband & I had a deal that we can cheat one time as long as we tell each other who it is before we do it. He recently told me he has the one he wants to sleep with. I told him I’ve changed my mind & I don’t want him to be with anyone else. He’s very upset now & says he doesn’t respect a person who doesn’t keep their word. Am I wrong? - Conflicted

Rikki - Conflicted, In my honest opinion, your husband's response is a little extreme. Y'all have been married for however long, and you changing your mind is more so human nature than an act that requires him to lose respect for you. I'd give him a few seconds to shake it off, because that's truly not that serious in my honest opinion.

Natima - So let me get this straight, He's OK with you wanting to be with another man but not OK with you changing your mind about it? *Insert confused look here*  His response definitely raises an eyebrow for me. I feel as though he's looking for the green light or the "hall pass" to be with another woman and your change of heart has interrupted his plans. I have to wonder if he's had his "cheat chick" in mind all along and just needed your permission to be unfaithful. I don't believe you're wrong for changing your mind and for his to question is level of respect for you as a result is also alarming. He doesn't respect a person who doesn't keep their word but seems to have no problem respecting the woman who's signing up to participate in his married man cheat day. You didn't renege on a promise to give him a kidney, or something to that magnitude! Red flag on the play dear!!!  I would encourage you to revisit the conversation with him... is he really mad about you not keeping your word or is he upset that he can't go sleep with o'girl? Present an alternative, figure out a way to curb his sexual appetite but whatever you do don't go back on your word a second time to make him happy because he really won't respect you then. *smirk*

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